Slacker Heaven: Wasting time is a full-time job.

Helen Morganstein and her daughter Lilian were having lunch in a South Beach restaurant on February 8th. Whilst sitting at their sidewalk table enjoying their meals and the south Florida weather, a couple -French tourists-were at the next table were smoking up a storm (as is their norm). Lilian Morganstein is a non smoker and by law of nature the smoke naturally flowed her way.

Reportedly Ms. Lilian asked the 'foreigners' to extinguish the offensive source and "those Frenchies refused saying we thought this was a free country and laughed at me she said. I was so offended given how we bailed the cowards out in WW2, I couldn't believe me ears. I ordered a large order of fries and had them delivered to the renchies as symbol of our freedom no thanks to them."

The manager of the restaurant later reported to the police that Lilian Morganstein put her fingers down her throat and vomited all over the French table on her way out splattering those sitting around it. When questioned by the police Lilian said that it was not intentional and that their smoking had made her sick and in fact she was the true victim. The French tourists refused to press charges and the manager comped their meal. Later Ms. Lilian complained that it was just another example of the French getting a free lunch off the generosity of their liberators.

 

 

 

Mark Stevens is a satirical columnist who contributes to Slackerheaven.com on an irregular basis. With the exception of the names of public figures, all names are fictional. 

Reporter: Mark Stevens

 

 

 

Mildred  Erstwhile 79 was detained for assault  at the Mall of America on Saturday for 'breaking wind'  on the up escalator. Apparently Ms. Erstwhile was appalled  at  the vulgar language used by the three African American teenagers who were riding the escalator behind her.  When Ms. Erstwhile, who is white, reprimanded the teenagers the three teenagers who are sisters Tamika, Shanika and Tweeka told her in no uncertain terms to as to where she could get off. In response it is alleged the elderly woman assaulted  the three teens by breaking  wind and forcing the three teens to endure its consequences as they continued their journey to the second floor. The teens recoiled  at the perceived insult and demanded the arrest of Ms. Erstwhile. Security was called and detained  the elderly woman. Ms. Erstwhile complained of stomach problems and  was escorted to the ladies room where upon she immediately evacuated her bowls. The guards were satisfied no injury or assualts were committed  and Ms. Erstwhile was free to continue shopping.

When the teens were  questioned as to why they simply did not go around Ms. Erstwhile to escape the situation, according to security the three were dumbfounded 'like deer in headlights' said security officer Oscar Dewitt, 'it never occurred to them to actually climb a moving stair.'  It was  noted by this reporter that officer DeWitt would benefit from climbing a  few stairs himself. 

Reporter: Mark Stevens

 

 

 

Mark Stevens is a satirical columnist who contributes to Slackerheaven.com on an irregular basis. With the exception of the names of public figures, all names are fictional.

I'm sure by now you've seen the clip of the old guy issuing an old school beatdown to some tough guy wanna be on a bus. If you have just returned from Pluto and haven't seen it, check it out below.



LOL!  He gets his ass handed to him by a grandpa.  All he can do is clutch his head and bleed like a stuck chicken.

Now I'm no tough guy, nor do I play one on TV.  But just by eyeballing grandpa even I would have thought, "I can take him".  Since I'm really a soft handed computer guy I guess I would have woke up in the hospital two weeks later with my jaw wired shut if I had choosen to have a rumble in jungle with "southpaw" grandpa.  Gramps should really look into getting on the MMA circuit, maybe he can take on Kimbo Slice or Houston Alexander for the belt.

Where tough guy failed is that he didn't know proper bus and old people etiquette.  Old people are notoriously cranky and unpredictable.  One minute they're adjusting their dentures peacefully, the next minute they're braining you with their cane.  Old people should at all times be given a wide berth, and especially in enclosed places, like elevators, planes, and buses.  When you encounter an old person on a bus or other enclosed transportation area you should follow these quick rules for your own safety: