SlackerHeaven: Wasting Time is a Full Time Job - Fear and Loathing on the Internet

Fear and Loathing on the Internet

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The internet is a dangerous place. Yes. It. Is. There are millions of people there all day, all night doing and saying all sorts of things.

For a noob - that's interweb speak for the inexperienced - it can be a place that is dangerous to at least one's pride, at most one's physical well being.

If you are a noob - like my mother for instance - I really recommend that you stay away from the following places. But if you just must, try to follow these little rules of the road, and maybe you will be on your way to un-noob-dom (is that a word?)

Free MP3 download sites - All the talk of the legalities aside, this is no place for someone with a click impediment (they'll click on anything). These sites are NOT free, you will pay for that mp3 of Hannah Montana with your time. These sites usually are loaded with ads and pop-ups, with the link to the actual music hidden in small teeny tiny print, or with blind links that lead you to porn hell before you can get any music, if any music is there at all.

But if you really must, do this. Before you click anything, look around the page carefully for the true link to the music and then click that. Check you status bar for blind or out links to other sites, if you can't see where you're going, don't click the link. Use Firefox with ad blocking enabled. IF you see anything out of the ordinary happen when you click a link, close the browser, give up and listen to the radio.

Forums - If you are thin skinned or gullible, stay away. Forums are giant meeting places where all sorts get together to chit chat. There is a forum for every topic under the sun. You interested in goat shaving or support for lovers of french gnat excrement? There is a forum for you. But - forums attact all types, mean ones, nice ones, con artists, the crazy, the lonely - you have to be prepared in case one of the undesireables takes an interest in you.

So if you really must join the international meat pie lovers forum, do this. Create a username that is not linked to you in real life (IRL) in anyway, not your email handle, or your nickname - nothing like "BostonBoy" or "LawyerBob" unless you really live in Alaska and you sell cars for a living. Do not use the username you create for one forum in another, you don't want some crazy you pissed off from the latex lovers forum following you all around the interwebs because he knows your username.

Do not give too much information (TMI), don't tell them your wife's name, where you work, where you went to high school, or any particularly unique stories about yourself - remember Google is watching, and anyone with a keyboard and some time can see this info and connect it to you.

Do not post photos of yourself, use an avatar. If you post your pic, then the crazy from latex lovers now knows your username and what you look like, unless you are on the forum looking for a hot date, leave the personal pics on match.com. Remember at all times that this is the internet, these are just words on the screen by anonymous random people, you can walk away at anytime.

Do not let someone in a forum inflame you. If they say that your mother was a 50 cent whore - So? If they say that you need Viagra to take a piss - So? They don't know you, not REALLY, and if you don't like the way they're talking to you, you can just stop responding to them. If they insist on talking to you, you can either put them on ignore or just take a break from posting for the day. Chances are by the next day it will all be forgotten. This is not real life, you don't have to be polite or make excuses to get away from someone. You can disappear in a cloud of dust with a single click and never deal with that person again. But if you have a really persistant troll bothering you? Take a longer break from the forum - like a month - in that time, the little nutcase will probably find someone else to fixate on. If that still doesn't work, then they really have a hard-on for you and engaging them will be more trouble than it's worth, just go to another forum with a different name.

And remember, if you flame (insult) someone in a forum, expect to be flamed back, 10 fold. So if you are a snowman, put the blowtorch down. And always remember - Google is watching.

Free Porn Sites - If you would like to get a virus, or tons of lovely spam go right ahead. You are a noob, so you don't know where the REAL free ones are, and because you don't know the secret handshake yet, no one will tell you. So if you go and google up "free porn" or "bit tits free" you will get an invite to porn hell that will pop all sorts of crap up on your computer that will probably be harder to get rid of than crabs - but go ahead - you have been warned.

If you really must have porn, go rent some from cable TeeVee. Seriously. Your 12 year old kid or the guy from Geek Squad really doesn't want to spend hours of their lives cleaning porn hell crap off your computer.