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Featured Archive Message From the Queen | Message From the Queen |
 To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II .... In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1 . The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary'). 2 . Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. 3 . July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5 . Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6 . All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 7 . The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 8 . You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9 . The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also accep table, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nat ion on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest ev ery twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13 You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.                Trackback(0)
Comments (12)
  written by cchiovitti, October 18, 2008
Bloody brilliant idea! I could use a proper cup of tea right about now.
 written by gene, October 22, 2008
Mwohahahaha!!!!! ROFL!
I am not English but this is, by a long way, the funniest thing I've read in a long time! Well done! written by jizzeen, October 27, 2008
i like this idea. please, let's incorporate this in our lives immediately.
written by sandra, October 31, 2008
Being British,I can assure you ,this is perfectly reasonable,
although I must admit,not knowing if it originated from one of our american allies,we applaud the attempt at british humour,lol written by Luis de Camoes (deceased), November 01, 2008
To HRM the Queen Elisabeth II:
I most sincerely applaude this formal comunication from Buckingham Palace. However, regarding the past historical anexations of several states by the USA (i.e. Alaska, California, Hawaii, as nauseaum), I strongly recommend that Portugal would be included in this sovereign procedure. As an independent state, Portugal has proven since the XVI century that it cannot be self-sustained, therefore the historical Anglo-British alliance between the two Kingdoms, dated from the XIV century, should take effect immediately - including the deportation of the Portuguese Prime Minister and his staff (with special attention to the Minister of Education) to St. Helena Island. Post Scriptum: Please don´t send them to Elba Island - they would find a way to return, as Napoleon Bonaparte did in the past. written by Ceil, November 02, 2008
Very funny! I'm an American and hey, anything's better than Bush! and pray to God, McBush and Bible Spice don't win !!!
written by uhhhh, November 02, 2008
funny, but major league baseball is played outside of america, in toronto heh.
written by Donncha O Caoimh, November 03, 2008
Oh yes, crisps. I got funny looks in Starbucks when they told me to choose the chips I wanted.. Couldn't hear a deep fat fryer anywhere ...
written by eh, November 03, 2008
funny, but no, sorry. i do enjoy most of my american traditions, including the bullshit football and crappy beer. i'd gladly take the change of power though, as long as you let me have my bullshit. otherwise we mioght have to do that "revolution" thing. and i think if we got enough of our rednecks together, we'd win.
written by Blue blooded, November 03, 2008
article is hilarious, first of all, I loved it. But anyone who thinks we should be under the control of a nation who couldn't keep most of their colonies is ridiculous. Also, we wouldn't need to gather the rednecks, we have a military that would annihilate the British.
But besides that semi-serious note, funny. written by Bronzed Oz, November 16, 2008
Great article, I loved it. I am sure that many American would feel this is a viable alternative than Bush! At least they voted the right way!
My correction lies in the fact that Australia not South Africa is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation in the world & yes it is because of the quality of our beer and how much we drink! written by Kagrath, December 17, 2008
Funny, though the only kind of tea I'll drink will have to be sweet. I lack the bitter taste receptors so it'll taste like hot water otherwise. Make sure your tax collectors have some sort of guard this time. I believe in the past they ended up looking like chickens with 3rd degree burns. Sorry bout that.
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